The Blessing of Smell

Okay, I might be going off the deep end...

I have this re-occuring concern that maybe I was wrong and my water didn't break...that the gush was something else and when the Dr. told me he didn't think it was my water that I should have just come home and then maybe things wouldn't have turned out as they did...the Dr. asked me at least twice if I was SURE it was my water...and when he broke the fore-waters he seemed to have this smug "I told you it wasn't your water...it was probably just urine" attitude.

Then, when the nurses explained hind-waters and fore-waters part of me was comforted, but I have had this nagging feeling like they were trying to just make me feel better...they didn't want me to lose it so they told me this tale about hindwaters to appease me somehow. I've felt this guilt that somehow I might have allowed my pride over not wanting to be wrong determine that I wouldn't back down on the fact that it was my water.

Well, today I finally ventured to the basement where the towels were sitting, unwashed, from the day my water broke...so I smelled them....TWICE. Not just a little sniff, but like inch by inch smelled them...and I feel so comforted because there was one square inch that smelled like urine, but the rest smelled sweet...like warm muffins, but definitely sweet...like amniotic fluid. I realize how disgusting that is to sit and smell it all, walk away, then smell it again later, but it was comforting to me...my waters definitely broke and I was right to stick by my body and keep saying that I was SURE it was my waters...that my pride of being wrong didn't cause the c-section.

Now, I'm not completely "out of the woods" in terms of my personal guilt over how the delivery went, but at least I'm not sitting here arguing the beginning of my labor with myself. I pray that with time I'll continue to work through the other topics and finally have closure with the entire topic.