Going Home

I'm preparing to go home today.

How do I feel about this? VERY mixed emotionally.
On the one hand I'm excited to see the other kids and be with them in our own space. I'm excited to see them hold the baby and cuddle him, to watch their interactions together and begin being a family of six together.

On the other hand, I'm sad, scared, and generally apprehensive.
I'm sad because this is likely the last time I'll bring a newborn home from the hospital...maybe I'd feel differently if the birth had been the birth I had dreamed of, but at this point nothing has gone as I had really hoped so I think I'm sad/scared to take this next step and have it turn out to be a disappointment as well. I have been trying to talk myself into not having expectations or put that pressure of "last time" on myself, but I have been thinking about it it so many times throughout this pregnancy that its hard to get out of that mind set. I have enjoyed the conctrations for the last time, the water breaking for the last time, but since then...the last time has been a downer.

I'm a little scared of what will happen when we get home. My fears range from how the kids are going to do with the new baby to fears of whether or not I'll make a quick/full/good recovery...after my experience with Lydia I"m concerned that I might end up with the same symptoms of achiness, etc. I'm also concerned about post-partum depression....my Dr.s have all brought it up to me and I know they are being helpful and trying to be proactive...and I thank them for it. I think if I was going to have it after any of the deliveries, this would be the one....so I'm apprehensive to go home and make the leap to see what will come.

I'm also apprehensive about going home not feeling great...not that I would have felt amazing with a vaginal birth, but I just feel out of it (result of meds) and constantly in this achy-pain. :( I know it will get better, but it seems so far off at this point.

Before I go, I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish for myself/for journaling/scrapbooking before I depart. It is my hope that as I work through some of those things and cross them off the list that I will feel better prepared for what is ahead. I will also work to focus on the positives and what I'm looking forward to...the very things I was focusing on during the laboring...
* A healthy baby who is able to come home from the hospital with us.
* A healthy Mommy who didn't bleed out or have a ruptured uterus.
* A healthy family that's able to welcome him home.
* A strong support system who will be there to encourage and help...we just need to ask.
* Being together with my four kids on the beach this summer...going to the Fertile Fair as a six-some, cuddling Mr. Tucker in my sling...
There is so much to look forward to...and his birth is just one day...

Dear God, please help me through the days ahead. Give me your patience, your kindness, and your healing hand. You continue to bless us with your love and abundance, please help me to feel your presence and love. With you all things are possible. Amen.