Wonderful

I look around me right now and think, "Will it ever be this wonderful again?"
True; my husband is living 2.5 hours from us. We're waiting for our home to sell so that we can be with him. We're hurt and wounded from a tough work situation. Money is always tight. The house continues to need work and touchups. Being a "single Mom" is difficult....
This does not matter.
I look around my living room...an 11x16 space...and feel like it contains the world; that life could never get better than this. Finn is in the chair doing his math. Kiki is on the floor writing in her journal; her dear doll, Hope sitting nearby, watching. Leve is on the floor playing with TJ...all are focused, content, happy...I feel so blessed for so many reasons.
On the days when life is too chaotic, too hard, too MUCH I pray I will remember this moment of pure contentedness and the feeling that I have certainly conquered the world and won.

Rejected

So having a c-section is no fun in the first place; but here's something kinda crazy...my body is actually rejecting the staples...I noticed when my Mom took off the bandages on Feb. 26 that there was this white thing kinda poking out of the area where my incision was gaping...then I started having this weird, little, but sharp, shooting pain on the very left of the incision...and looked only to see the same white "THING"...turns out its my staples. I have had them present themselves in various orientations...some fully to the side, some straight out...the Dr. pulled a few out (OW!)...but the best way I've found is just to put a bandage over it to avoid any un-necessary pulling/tugging and letting it find its way fully to the surface, then pulling it out. I have one that I've saved that is entirely intact. Again, pregnancy is is none too glamorous...and this is something I've never heard of before. At least the good news is that when Dr. DL looked at my incision he thought it was healing rather well. (I think it looks like a bloody mess, but what do I know?!)

The Blessing of Smell

Okay, I might be going off the deep end...

I have this re-occuring concern that maybe I was wrong and my water didn't break...that the gush was something else and when the Dr. told me he didn't think it was my water that I should have just come home and then maybe things wouldn't have turned out as they did...the Dr. asked me at least twice if I was SURE it was my water...and when he broke the fore-waters he seemed to have this smug "I told you it wasn't your water...it was probably just urine" attitude.

Then, when the nurses explained hind-waters and fore-waters part of me was comforted, but I have had this nagging feeling like they were trying to just make me feel better...they didn't want me to lose it so they told me this tale about hindwaters to appease me somehow. I've felt this guilt that somehow I might have allowed my pride over not wanting to be wrong determine that I wouldn't back down on the fact that it was my water.

Well, today I finally ventured to the basement where the towels were sitting, unwashed, from the day my water broke...so I smelled them....TWICE. Not just a little sniff, but like inch by inch smelled them...and I feel so comforted because there was one square inch that smelled like urine, but the rest smelled sweet...like warm muffins, but definitely sweet...like amniotic fluid. I realize how disgusting that is to sit and smell it all, walk away, then smell it again later, but it was comforting to me...my waters definitely broke and I was right to stick by my body and keep saying that I was SURE it was my waters...that my pride of being wrong didn't cause the c-section.

Now, I'm not completely "out of the woods" in terms of my personal guilt over how the delivery went, but at least I'm not sitting here arguing the beginning of my labor with myself. I pray that with time I'll continue to work through the other topics and finally have closure with the entire topic.

All By Myself...

People constantly ask us "How is it going?"...my answer? "It goes great...but Chad goes back to work in __ days...ask me then how its going!"
Chad has been amazing...taking care of meals, helping with the kids, hugging me when I cry, getting me treats...basically putting up with a LOT. I'm scared to death of him going back to work. I know that he needs to; not just for income, but also because we need to dive back into the "real world"...not just from the last few weeks, but from the last few MONTHS...since November we've been in this state of limbo...just waiting, sitting...coddled. It makes reality that much more daunting, I think because we've been away from it for so long. I am also fully aware that I am not 100% in terms of emotions and coping...thankfully it will be a Saturday, Sunday morning, and then we'll have two days of him back home so we can ease into it....I think we'll need it!

The Gift of Time

Tonight as I was wrapping up Tucker to get him ready to sleep I was thinking of how he already looks bigger and I started to get that sad feeling I have every time I look at my kids and know they are getting bigger. Then, suddenly I realized that I have gotten TWO extra weeks with him...WOW! All the other kids have been born at 40 weeks...he was born at just under 38...which has given me a few extra weeks with my darling...what a blessing! He continues to be adorable. He's a great sleeper and I've been waking him for feedings. His skin is just so incredibly soft and his legs are so thin...it amazes me that they work perfectly even though they are so thin! His fingers are so long, thin, and dainty...ahh...he is truly a miracle.

The older kids all adore him....he gets lots of touches, kisses, and talking to. Today he was lying on the bed getting a new diaper and clothes and all three of the kids were standing by...keeping his bocce in, letting him hold their finger, talking to him, and stroking his head...he is certainly loved! We are certainly blessed.

Chad continues to be amazing...last night he reminded me that my job is to take care of the baby and myself...he'll take care of everything else. It helped to be told that in the context of our house...at the hospital it was one thing to hear him say that, but to actually be in the throws of 'real life' and hear him say it...I was able to just let him do it today. It felt amazing to spend the morning working on paper/computer work and spend the afternoon cuddling Tucker in the sunlight and then take a nap before supper. It feels great to know that we are a team working together.

Going Home

I'm preparing to go home today.

How do I feel about this? VERY mixed emotionally.
On the one hand I'm excited to see the other kids and be with them in our own space. I'm excited to see them hold the baby and cuddle him, to watch their interactions together and begin being a family of six together.

On the other hand, I'm sad, scared, and generally apprehensive.
I'm sad because this is likely the last time I'll bring a newborn home from the hospital...maybe I'd feel differently if the birth had been the birth I had dreamed of, but at this point nothing has gone as I had really hoped so I think I'm sad/scared to take this next step and have it turn out to be a disappointment as well. I have been trying to talk myself into not having expectations or put that pressure of "last time" on myself, but I have been thinking about it it so many times throughout this pregnancy that its hard to get out of that mind set. I have enjoyed the conctrations for the last time, the water breaking for the last time, but since then...the last time has been a downer.

I'm a little scared of what will happen when we get home. My fears range from how the kids are going to do with the new baby to fears of whether or not I'll make a quick/full/good recovery...after my experience with Lydia I"m concerned that I might end up with the same symptoms of achiness, etc. I'm also concerned about post-partum depression....my Dr.s have all brought it up to me and I know they are being helpful and trying to be proactive...and I thank them for it. I think if I was going to have it after any of the deliveries, this would be the one....so I'm apprehensive to go home and make the leap to see what will come.

I'm also apprehensive about going home not feeling great...not that I would have felt amazing with a vaginal birth, but I just feel out of it (result of meds) and constantly in this achy-pain. :( I know it will get better, but it seems so far off at this point.

Before I go, I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish for myself/for journaling/scrapbooking before I depart. It is my hope that as I work through some of those things and cross them off the list that I will feel better prepared for what is ahead. I will also work to focus on the positives and what I'm looking forward to...the very things I was focusing on during the laboring...
* A healthy baby who is able to come home from the hospital with us.
* A healthy Mommy who didn't bleed out or have a ruptured uterus.
* A healthy family that's able to welcome him home.
* A strong support system who will be there to encourage and help...we just need to ask.
* Being together with my four kids on the beach this summer...going to the Fertile Fair as a six-some, cuddling Mr. Tucker in my sling...
There is so much to look forward to...and his birth is just one day...

Dear God, please help me through the days ahead. Give me your patience, your kindness, and your healing hand. You continue to bless us with your love and abundance, please help me to feel your presence and love. With you all things are possible. Amen.

A C-Section Encourager

So, I was obviously upset about getting a c-section; the rational part of me knows that its not the end of the world and that healthy baby was the main goal. The emotional part of me is devastated to have lost that opportunity to have one more vaginal birth. As I was in the throws of disappointment the other morning one of my nruses came in and shared that she has been a lowed to assist her daughters during each of their births....that's when it dawned on me that perhaps this isn't may 'last chance'...sure, its the last chance I had for a vaginal birth, but even the possibility that either one of my daughters might ask me to be there for their births!? The idea gives me a tremendous amount of hope and helps me in getting past that "it was the last shot I had..." mentality. As someone wise once said, "We can get through any tragedy, so long as there is hope for a better tomorrow." This certainly rings true in this situation.

Nothing...February 11, 2010

Alright...I think I had totally psyched myself up for the 10th or 11th and now...nothing. Contractions are the same as they've been since November...actually, even less intense than when I've gone in the few times!

Last night, the 10th, I had a melt down...a full on, Kindlee-style melt down...it was horrible and wonderful at the same time. It was a GREAT release of emotion...it feels great to just let your body sob and throw itself about. However, my lungs and throat were so sore from crying that hard and using so much air...it was intense...I'm pretty sure Chad was considering committing me...until he started to laugh at me... I was upset that nothing was happening...I know, I know...the intellectual side was like, "Are you KIDDING me?!?! Your due date isn't even until the 28th...you were on bed rest, but that doesn't mean ANYTHING...get a grip." The emotional side was in upheaval...how could this be happening to me?! I'd been praying, drinking my tea, walking, eating spicy foods...ALL the pieces had been done to put me into labor, and nothing. These dates are perfect for having the baby...the kids are out of town, having a blast, taken care of, and coming back in a few days...the timing was perfect...yet nothing. So after my tantrum I headed for the bath and gave myself a talking to...and prayed...A LOT

Today I was a little better, until I went out and about...I know that a lot of people ask "Haven't you had that baby yet" and they are kidding...other people are not. Regardless...at this stage of the game, its not what I need to hear....there are two primary reasons:
1. I'm already discouraged and that question makes it worse.
2. I'm not even due until the 28th...so back off.
So, I got a fair # of those... and started to lose my "zen-like" state...I was so thankful that I met up with Nancy who does treatments and helps clear blockages...she gave me some words to focus on and they have made all the different this late afternoon/evening. The words I"m focusing on are:
* devotion
* trust
* true
* birth
When I repeat them to myself or focus on their meaning its incredibly calming and I am so thankful that we met up today and she could assist me...I needed it, badly!

For the next few days, while the kids are gone, I'm going to focus on getting their photos organized and updating their journals...I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow and am going to bring my Birth Plan and will hope for a GREAT appointment where he says I"m making LOADS of progress. ;)

Officially Going off Bedrest

So, Chad comes home tomorrow and I'm 'truly' off bedrest...I know it might seem like I have bene for awhile, and in a lot of ways I haven't limited myself, but in a lot of ways I have...I sit down and rest when I start to feel contractions, I don't let myself get too tired, my pelvis has had complete rest, and I haven't even LET myself think about having the baby...but tomorrow...game ON.
I'm feeling excited...the little bit of freedom lately has been exhilarating and I'm looking forward to being totally free. At the same time, I feel anxious...what if the baby doesn't come right away? What if it does? Are people going to be in my face about it? Can I deal with that? Do I even want to?

To top it off...I miss the other three kids...they have been gone for 4 days...and I miss them terribly...I've enjoyed getting a lot done, but I'm so used to have them afoot...it is hard to be apart this long.

I guess the only thing to do is to pray, and let time tell us what is going to happen next.

Non-Bed Rest Appointment #7--February 5, 2010

I had to add that it was a "non-bed rest"appointment! I was able to drive myself there...although, due to the snow and little old-lady drivers I was about an hour late...grrr...
the appointmetn did go well, however...I am measuring 36 cm, BP was up a bit, and baby is at 154 bpm...I weighed 173 lbs...up eight lbs!!! He checked and nothing too major to report...still soft, still effaced, still dialated...in his words, "Not much different that how you've been all along." I could have punched him! The other piece I hadn't realized was that I might not have him as the person delivering my baby...I hadn't realized that before! He shared that if he's not the on-call someone else will deliver my baby. I'm sure it will be fine, but still caught me off guard.
After my appointment I took my time around Brainerd...I went to my favorite stores, shopped for clothes/shoes with my Bday money, and just took the time I wanted to do what I wanted...it was awesome. I still made it home around supper time and just spent the evening working on whatever I wanted. Awesome.

February 1-4, 2010

Chad headed out on the 1st for his trip...the kids and I had one evening alone and did great...I also told them about their trip to Minot on Thursday and they were PSYCHED!! In the meantime, G'ma Linda was coming...which definitely helped to pass the time!

On Tuesday, the 2nd, I got my pregnancy photos done while Mom stayed with the kids. I also had a Board meeting and it was so fun to be able to just GO...I could drive myself AND had someone to watch the kids...being off bedrest AND having my Mom here pretty much rocked my world!

Wednesday, the 3rd, I had Release Time...again, Mom here to help out...awesome. I had a lunch with Jennifer, PM RT, and then picked up Lydia and took her to the Dr. to find out she had a double ear infection...brought her home, and was able to go get the prescription by myself...oh, the power of it all!!! They made their Valentine's with G'ma, we had a movie night, and I got everything packed/loaded into the car for the next day.

Thursday we were up early and they were on the road by 8:30...it was tough to see them go, but my Mom is so great and emailed me right after she dropped them with Chad's Mom/Sister and assured me that they were fine. It was strange to be totally alone at the house AND be able to do what I wanted in terms of cleaning, etc. I spent most of Thursday just working on the computer, though, for work...and took a brief trip up to see Erin and get my bearings after the kids left.

Jauary 27-31, 2010--36 Weeks

During this time period we had activities, meals, visits from Hope, Katy/Annika, skyping, Kindlee with Jane, Quinn having asthma issues, swimming at the pool, Quinn's 2nd week of Basketball, and me hitting 36 weeks!

We would like to wait until later in Feb. to have the baby so that Chad is home/around, but to make it to 36 weeks gives us such a THRILL...health-wise statistics show that the baby would be fine if born now, so we are super happy. I'm definitely going OFF the medicine, but will continue to take it easy to keep labor at bay (per my husband's request!).

Bed Rest Appointment #6--January 26, 2010

You'll notice there was a two-week gap since the last Dr. appointment...after I had the last negative FfN was like...NO WAY am I coming back in a week...so Dr. DL consented to having it be in two weeks...I was super thankful for the break!

I was up to 172 lbs....hooray for 7 lbs!!!...BP 120/72 (higher for me)...36 cm fundal height...149 bpm for baby. We had lunch, a Menards run, then home.

I had made everyone finish their squares for the Baby's quilt, so I was thrilled finish that today...I even washed and dried it to is was ready to go!

Phil and Darcey are in Jamaica, so Chad went to spend the night with Matt so he doesn't have to be alone...I LOVE sleeping without anyone snoring beside me! Now, if I could just do away with the incessant need to use the restroom..... :)

January 14-25, 2010

This time was full of Lydia's Birthday, Chad being gone, two visits from G'ma Linda, one visit from cousin Kasen, sick kids, Release Time day, activities, kids' haircuts (Lydia's first), skyping with family, and the MANY other activities that having three kids entails...as much as I sometimes would like to have this *HEALTHY* baby sooner, rather than later...I do recognize that having it still inside me, even with bedrest, is easier than juggling four children! Thankfully we love our kids TOO much and enjoy them even with their craziness!

One of the most fun things that we did during this time was go to Larsen's for a football playoff game...it was so fun to go out and spend time with Darcey, Phil, and their boys. I could honestly talk to Darcey for days...and she and I spent the entire time working out the baby's quilt....the girls and I decided on the 23rd that we should make a quilt for the baby, so Darcey and I worked on the design...it was so fun!

Bed Rest Appointment #5--January 13, 2010

Today started out a little rough...everyone was slightly cranky from our late night on the 12th AND it was compounded by the fact that I had the time of our appointment wrong...we were to be there at 10, not 10:30...so we were late. :(

On the upside...my FfN was negative (again)...my BP was 107/68, so getting back to normal ranges...and my fundal height is 31 cm...a little small, but we don't put much stock in that anyhow. We had lunch at the cafeteria, then went to "W" to get some toys and check out a few things.

When we got home the kids played at Katy's. We had two meals dropped off...we decided to freeze them both and had a movie night instead! Chad took off at 4 p.m. ish for the School Board convention. After the kids were asleep I finished the C'mas cards.

January 12, 2010--Our FIRST Girl's/Boy's Nights

This morning Chad took us to our WIC appointment...I'm up to 170...so up 5 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight...pretty exciting! Lydia is 26 lbs. and 32 inches tall...so decent growth on all accounts!

We had a good day together...the Kid's tree got taken down, which they didn't like, but had to be done. At supper it was decided that Q would go with Daddy to the BB game and K, L, and I would stay home. K wasn't thrilled about this, so I suggested "Girl's Night"...popcorn, a movie, painting nails, etc...she was on board within minutes! So, we sent the boys out the door and we got down to business...we started with a bath...including EVERY product in the house meant for pampering...we did bubbles, salts, fizzies, masks, shampoos, conditioners...it was a blast! When we got out we all put on robes, powder, and lotions...then we got dear Lydia ready for bed. She was tired, but TICKED that we were going to keep on without her...well, at least for the first 3 minutes she was in her crib; after that we didn't hear from her again. We set up the t.v. to watch Penelope, lit candles, made popcorn, and we each got a whole can of pop...we snuggled in together on the couch with our robes on and hair up in a towel...again, one of those FREEZE moments of being a Mommy! We just enjoyed each other so much...Darcey stopped by and chatted during it...and Kindlee was just beaming with how much fun we were having and that it was GIRLS night...she even liked the movie and "got" the concept about how we must first love ourselves and how we look before we can truly expect someone else to love us. After the movie I got her ready for bed, said good night, and came out and filed C'mas cards/photos. Chad brought Q home...they'd had a nice time too. :) We are certainly blessed by amazing children.

January 9-11, 2010

After the "false alarm" it was AWESOME to come home and sleep in my own bed! The next few days were reserved for a VERY low-key Birthday celebration...just a few people at Hope's on Saturday, treats from the kids on Sunday morning, then after naps taking them to Hamiltons while Chad and I went on to Applebee's for my Bday supper. The bummer, of course, was that Q's allergies didn't react well, so we had to neb him when we got home...I couldn't sleep that night because of Chad's snoring, so I tried Q's empty bed (he was sleeping in my room)...then he came in because Chad's snoring had woken him up too!

On the 11th we had a nice day of normal life...in the evening I was even able to get C'mas put away...it felt so nice!

32 Weeks...False Alarm...January 7-8, 2010

So, yesterday was a weird day from the outset...I woke up feeling odd and after taking my nifedipine felt even weirder...so weird that I went to take a nap...which I never do in the morning, but couldn't get by without. I got up after an hour or so and did Quinn's lessons, lunch, and laid down for another nap with the kids. My contractions weren't painful, but more plentiful, though not in a regular pattern, so I wasn't concerned.
Around 2:45 we were up and I tidied a bit and got organized for my wedding meeting...the meeting was great, except that my contractions were about every 10 minutes...a regular pattern, but not super painful. After the meeting I got up and started to fix an easy supper...while I was up the pains were getting to be every 5 minutes...with this pressure on my pelvic floor and a backache....that was actually down in my upper buttock...in addition to my lower back. My nifedipine wasn't keeping the pain down. At supper they sped up to 2 minutes. I went to my room and called the Birthplace...they said it was okay to take the nifedipine again before the six hour mark...but they wanted me to come in immediately...I said I wanted an hour at the house to see if the nifedipine would get them under control. They agreed.
An hour went by with contractions at every 2-4 minutes and still very painful. At the end of the hour we took off from the house. Husband chose to speed on the way there...can you blame him?!...and we actually caught up to a cop who then pulled us over...he explained why he was speeding and she made me get into her cop car and she drove us to meet an ambulance...the entire situation got VERY expensive at that point. :(
I finally made it to the hospital (and Chad had actually beat me there!) my external was dialated to a 3...which it hadn't been before...but after two shots of terbutaline, visteral, and nifedipine we were able to get the contractions under control around 2 a.m....about 8 hours after it had gotten super painful....and I was able to sleep.
In the morning the Dr. came to visit...it was the on-call...he was very kind and good at explaining things...they hadn't done a fetal fibronectin so he ordered a trans-vaginal ultrasound...which showed a decent cervical length....which was encouraging. He was very assured by that and, while he wants me to remain on bedrest, he doesn't think we'll have our baby preterm (which makes me want to ditch bedrest all together!...again, he used the phrase about...what if you go off bedrest and do happen to have the baby early, and then you'll have to blame yourself forever....I totally know what he means, but am also sick of being on bed rest!) He also explained the need for bed rest as just a way to keep my body from being so aggravated by the contractions that its having...explaining that the contractions are mostly from my uterus having been stressed so much in the last seven years from the four kids.
So, we're back home and pretty tired from the big day/night. Chad is actually snoring at 8:45 p.m., the kids were all in bed (and sleep) by 6:15 p.m. and after I post this I'm off to bed too...we're wild this Friday night!

January 1-6, 2010

Chad's family was with us through to the 3rd...their time here was thoroughly enjoyed...even if the tireds and crankies kicked in once they left! We still had a lot going on with Chad working overnights, a wet bed, making projects the kids had gotten at Christmas, and all the other busy-ness that comes with three kids! Lydia's speech really started to explode during these days..."teapot" "Princess" and just exerting herself more and more to be heard and seen by her brother and sister...they aren't able to boss her quite as much as they would like to anymore! We did our best to keep the activities schedule and just feel "in the groove".

REALLY trying

Okay, Chad's family is here and I had the gift of an afternoon and (most) of an evening entirely to myself...it was incredible. I chatted with Hope and Erin on the phone, did some emails, played solitaire, and started to work on my Christian Ed. lessons for upcoming weeks of Sunday School...but somehow I CANNOT seem to stay focused...I keep googling things like, "I gave birth at 32 weeks" and "I gave birth to twins without knowing it", or stranger yet, "I gave birth without knowing I was pregnant"...WHY AM I DOING THIS?!?!?!? I'm frustrated with myself for not getting focused. I WANT to get this done. I NEED to get this done. I keep promising myself little cookies if I can just get a piece written, but so far...no dice. Maybe blogging will help me get over the procrastination? I have been putting this off knowing that I would have this time to really focus and not have to neglect possible time with the kids to do it...yet, here I am, completely absorbed in thinking about Baby #4....will it come early? If it does come early, will it be okay? What would we have to do to make it okay? Will I know the warning signs if somethings not right? What are we going to name it? If its a boy are we going to circumsize? How I wish I weren't on bed rest so I could throw a Birthday party for L....I wish I could have my own Birthday party....IT DOESN'T END. I need to focus. So I shall....once I go and get a candle to burn...that would definitely give me a sense of calm...right?! THEN I'll focus. I WILL write at least three lessons before I get up to go to bed. Done and done.