Wonderful

I look around me right now and think, "Will it ever be this wonderful again?"
True; my husband is living 2.5 hours from us. We're waiting for our home to sell so that we can be with him. We're hurt and wounded from a tough work situation. Money is always tight. The house continues to need work and touchups. Being a "single Mom" is difficult....
This does not matter.
I look around my living room...an 11x16 space...and feel like it contains the world; that life could never get better than this. Finn is in the chair doing his math. Kiki is on the floor writing in her journal; her dear doll, Hope sitting nearby, watching. Leve is on the floor playing with TJ...all are focused, content, happy...I feel so blessed for so many reasons.
On the days when life is too chaotic, too hard, too MUCH I pray I will remember this moment of pure contentedness and the feeling that I have certainly conquered the world and won.

Rejected

So having a c-section is no fun in the first place; but here's something kinda crazy...my body is actually rejecting the staples...I noticed when my Mom took off the bandages on Feb. 26 that there was this white thing kinda poking out of the area where my incision was gaping...then I started having this weird, little, but sharp, shooting pain on the very left of the incision...and looked only to see the same white "THING"...turns out its my staples. I have had them present themselves in various orientations...some fully to the side, some straight out...the Dr. pulled a few out (OW!)...but the best way I've found is just to put a bandage over it to avoid any un-necessary pulling/tugging and letting it find its way fully to the surface, then pulling it out. I have one that I've saved that is entirely intact. Again, pregnancy is is none too glamorous...and this is something I've never heard of before. At least the good news is that when Dr. DL looked at my incision he thought it was healing rather well. (I think it looks like a bloody mess, but what do I know?!)

The Blessing of Smell

Okay, I might be going off the deep end...

I have this re-occuring concern that maybe I was wrong and my water didn't break...that the gush was something else and when the Dr. told me he didn't think it was my water that I should have just come home and then maybe things wouldn't have turned out as they did...the Dr. asked me at least twice if I was SURE it was my water...and when he broke the fore-waters he seemed to have this smug "I told you it wasn't your water...it was probably just urine" attitude.

Then, when the nurses explained hind-waters and fore-waters part of me was comforted, but I have had this nagging feeling like they were trying to just make me feel better...they didn't want me to lose it so they told me this tale about hindwaters to appease me somehow. I've felt this guilt that somehow I might have allowed my pride over not wanting to be wrong determine that I wouldn't back down on the fact that it was my water.

Well, today I finally ventured to the basement where the towels were sitting, unwashed, from the day my water broke...so I smelled them....TWICE. Not just a little sniff, but like inch by inch smelled them...and I feel so comforted because there was one square inch that smelled like urine, but the rest smelled sweet...like warm muffins, but definitely sweet...like amniotic fluid. I realize how disgusting that is to sit and smell it all, walk away, then smell it again later, but it was comforting to me...my waters definitely broke and I was right to stick by my body and keep saying that I was SURE it was my waters...that my pride of being wrong didn't cause the c-section.

Now, I'm not completely "out of the woods" in terms of my personal guilt over how the delivery went, but at least I'm not sitting here arguing the beginning of my labor with myself. I pray that with time I'll continue to work through the other topics and finally have closure with the entire topic.

All By Myself...

People constantly ask us "How is it going?"...my answer? "It goes great...but Chad goes back to work in __ days...ask me then how its going!"
Chad has been amazing...taking care of meals, helping with the kids, hugging me when I cry, getting me treats...basically putting up with a LOT. I'm scared to death of him going back to work. I know that he needs to; not just for income, but also because we need to dive back into the "real world"...not just from the last few weeks, but from the last few MONTHS...since November we've been in this state of limbo...just waiting, sitting...coddled. It makes reality that much more daunting, I think because we've been away from it for so long. I am also fully aware that I am not 100% in terms of emotions and coping...thankfully it will be a Saturday, Sunday morning, and then we'll have two days of him back home so we can ease into it....I think we'll need it!

The Gift of Time

Tonight as I was wrapping up Tucker to get him ready to sleep I was thinking of how he already looks bigger and I started to get that sad feeling I have every time I look at my kids and know they are getting bigger. Then, suddenly I realized that I have gotten TWO extra weeks with him...WOW! All the other kids have been born at 40 weeks...he was born at just under 38...which has given me a few extra weeks with my darling...what a blessing! He continues to be adorable. He's a great sleeper and I've been waking him for feedings. His skin is just so incredibly soft and his legs are so thin...it amazes me that they work perfectly even though they are so thin! His fingers are so long, thin, and dainty...ahh...he is truly a miracle.

The older kids all adore him....he gets lots of touches, kisses, and talking to. Today he was lying on the bed getting a new diaper and clothes and all three of the kids were standing by...keeping his bocce in, letting him hold their finger, talking to him, and stroking his head...he is certainly loved! We are certainly blessed.

Chad continues to be amazing...last night he reminded me that my job is to take care of the baby and myself...he'll take care of everything else. It helped to be told that in the context of our house...at the hospital it was one thing to hear him say that, but to actually be in the throws of 'real life' and hear him say it...I was able to just let him do it today. It felt amazing to spend the morning working on paper/computer work and spend the afternoon cuddling Tucker in the sunlight and then take a nap before supper. It feels great to know that we are a team working together.

Going Home

I'm preparing to go home today.

How do I feel about this? VERY mixed emotionally.
On the one hand I'm excited to see the other kids and be with them in our own space. I'm excited to see them hold the baby and cuddle him, to watch their interactions together and begin being a family of six together.

On the other hand, I'm sad, scared, and generally apprehensive.
I'm sad because this is likely the last time I'll bring a newborn home from the hospital...maybe I'd feel differently if the birth had been the birth I had dreamed of, but at this point nothing has gone as I had really hoped so I think I'm sad/scared to take this next step and have it turn out to be a disappointment as well. I have been trying to talk myself into not having expectations or put that pressure of "last time" on myself, but I have been thinking about it it so many times throughout this pregnancy that its hard to get out of that mind set. I have enjoyed the conctrations for the last time, the water breaking for the last time, but since then...the last time has been a downer.

I'm a little scared of what will happen when we get home. My fears range from how the kids are going to do with the new baby to fears of whether or not I'll make a quick/full/good recovery...after my experience with Lydia I"m concerned that I might end up with the same symptoms of achiness, etc. I'm also concerned about post-partum depression....my Dr.s have all brought it up to me and I know they are being helpful and trying to be proactive...and I thank them for it. I think if I was going to have it after any of the deliveries, this would be the one....so I'm apprehensive to go home and make the leap to see what will come.

I'm also apprehensive about going home not feeling great...not that I would have felt amazing with a vaginal birth, but I just feel out of it (result of meds) and constantly in this achy-pain. :( I know it will get better, but it seems so far off at this point.

Before I go, I have a list of things I'd like to accomplish for myself/for journaling/scrapbooking before I depart. It is my hope that as I work through some of those things and cross them off the list that I will feel better prepared for what is ahead. I will also work to focus on the positives and what I'm looking forward to...the very things I was focusing on during the laboring...
* A healthy baby who is able to come home from the hospital with us.
* A healthy Mommy who didn't bleed out or have a ruptured uterus.
* A healthy family that's able to welcome him home.
* A strong support system who will be there to encourage and help...we just need to ask.
* Being together with my four kids on the beach this summer...going to the Fertile Fair as a six-some, cuddling Mr. Tucker in my sling...
There is so much to look forward to...and his birth is just one day...

Dear God, please help me through the days ahead. Give me your patience, your kindness, and your healing hand. You continue to bless us with your love and abundance, please help me to feel your presence and love. With you all things are possible. Amen.

A C-Section Encourager

So, I was obviously upset about getting a c-section; the rational part of me knows that its not the end of the world and that healthy baby was the main goal. The emotional part of me is devastated to have lost that opportunity to have one more vaginal birth. As I was in the throws of disappointment the other morning one of my nruses came in and shared that she has been a lowed to assist her daughters during each of their births....that's when it dawned on me that perhaps this isn't may 'last chance'...sure, its the last chance I had for a vaginal birth, but even the possibility that either one of my daughters might ask me to be there for their births!? The idea gives me a tremendous amount of hope and helps me in getting past that "it was the last shot I had..." mentality. As someone wise once said, "We can get through any tragedy, so long as there is hope for a better tomorrow." This certainly rings true in this situation.